cassavetes says he isn’t taking my calls anymore

suppose there’s a point of pointlessness
where complaining just puts you in
one of those obligating positions
and low-maintenance seems best
but lo it is lonely waiting again
bitches i’m back to having
nothing but some bit part
of someone else’s lowlife

hearts want what hearts want
what hearts want what hearts
want what hearts want what
heart wants the consolation kiss
which creates no difference
between you and i
whatever is in my body
now lives in your body
so what offense
has my body caused
besides damselhood

your personal villain comes
with you wherever you go
whatever is in my body
now lives in his body
his offenses are many
he will be greeted warmly

these girls they love a bad boy
these girls they crave and beg the lie
these girls have become addicted
to filters on their photographs
and nail polish and lipstick
so they cain’t hardly look
in the mirror without a soft cringe
these girls they would do anything
for someone who says the kinds of words
that have existed only as
imagined intonations

you understand yes
that center frame is irresistible
even momentarily
these girls they need an agent
and a casting director
who will fight for them
to win a leading role

someone tell these girls
they need new headshots

and we are all dehydrated

i could so effectively erase
every aspect of my presence
non-tactile and undrinkable
without giving notice

always a warm bed waiting
arms to grasp &
lungs to gasp
hair tangled from
correspondence made flesh

angel singing
i am the only one now
i am the only one now
i am the only one now
i am the only one now

none of this makes sense
even my fingernails are exhausted
too tired to untangle the knots

this guy fucks
this guy loves
this guy delivers
this boy is exhausted
this girl fails

i have poured from a dry cup
& less willingly
water has more value
at heights such as these
if femininity is emptiness
i have finally become
a woman

the comedown

i started writing something
last night in bed listening to him breathe
but the nature of the thing is
you forget everything you wanted to say
lost in the ring of pain in your teeth
lost in the nausea
& the nosebleed

i am so angry at people
when they let themselves down
who the fuck are you
to throw water on your fire

i read your mother’s cards
on a trifecta of drugs
and there was a clear storyline
bifurcating her from her outcome
four iterations of the tall dark one
in the red cape

who the fuck are you
to decide you cannot choose

Some Things Are Worth Fighting For And This Is One Of Them

My dear friend Dustin DeVilliers wrote this poem a while back. I was honored to give notes on an early draft.

dbdevilliers's avatarD. B. DEVILLIERS

It’s more than a little tired at this point to
go after that old cliché that it’s always better being
younger than older
but I’m still young enough to do it
what happens is you learn things
you learn what everyone learns:

that life has a nasty tendency to slip through your fingers or
sneak past you when for an instant you lowered your
gaze without even realizing it
that happiness isn’t exactly what you thought it was

it’s not a destination because barring certain professions most
people don’t go on a road trip and arrive in the middle of a battle
because that’s what it really is
you fight so hard to eke out a little
instant for yourself
and when that instant comes you’ve gotta dig in and
fight to hold on to it because the waves never stop coming
and they never get tired
they never falter

View original post 576 more words

another airplane

i will do everything i can to be near you
up to and including chugging
this 24oz natty daddy in bed
so i can sleep a little while
and wake up (hopefully)
to permission granted
or request denied

i know i know
how much you value your space
especially on sober days
i am good at staying quiet
i am good at listening to silence
but it feels important
that you would speak out loud
on a night like this

i have given up illusions
you have showed me
in stark ink
on quality stock
like the stars themselves
have some opinion
on our final outcome

i will not apologize
for my relentlessness

that bitch reading bukowski at the laundromat

everyone’s sick
of hearing about the pandemic
but the laundry’s still gotta get done
it’s almost a mile to walk
cloudy and windy, chance of rain
and there are violets blooming
and kids out in their yards
and some guy grilling something
that smells amazing
and a fat man with a bulging ruck
who waves and tells me
the laundromat is crowded

but most people there are
waiting in their cars
the ones inside speak spanish
and one of them is clearly the funny one
because the others burst into laughter
at everything she says

when i slide my ten dollar bill
into the change machine
and the quarters fall
i always say “oooh, i’m a winner”
but i didn’t bring hand sanitizer
and this time all i can think about
is how many people
have touched this machine
nobody’s winning right now
we are all of us losers
except you, i guess

rip the detergent open with my teeth
my hands are tied
but my mouth tastes clean

who knows when i’ll get back to work
who knows when we’ll see each other again
who knows how hard things will be
over the next few months
i’ve spent all day worried, hungry
empty, crying, sleeping
there’s only one person here
wearing a mask
myself included

and i remember you
complaining about hearing
(take me home country roads)
again and again and again
burned out on the song
that keeps playing in my heart
(to the place i belong)
none of this is easy
and i am sore and hollow
but if i get to see you again
i will wear clean clothes,
goddamnit.

on waking alone

the old routines feel strange and empty
cold coffee, yella dog, thick books
caring for sick roommates
so surreal wearing my life again
like an old jacket that feels
not wrong but different

things changed
now i share a room
with thousands of people
made of millions of words
and i’m always hungry
with nothing to eat

i couldn’t have predicted
how easily i could slide
into a new space and fit
and find home there
this makes all the sense
in the world but
nothing’s felt real
since that first descent

i’m dreaming aren’t i
i never feel
this alive when i’m awake

just over here, you know, digesting

so yeah i could sit here
& write some kinda emo opus
about how fucked up it is
that i’m not fucked up enough
but eh life’s back to normal i guess
i bit my nails back down to bleeding
& cried until i could laugh

oh you
you are the hardest pill to swallow
sorry about ye olde gag reflex
truer words & funnier jokes
remain unspoken
as so many things do, or should

i made you a promise once
please hold me
to it
ah shit there i go again
i got so fucking romantic
men never apologize
but maybe i’ll make an exception
just this once
wait i already did
like a dozen lines ago
fuck, let me light yet another
of your cigarettes

god damn let’s just go burn some shit
out of the sheer unfairness of it all
tell me honey are you the match
or the kerosene

dear blood, or: thoughts while listening to you snore

there was this
moment when we locked eyes
my arm braced
around the doe’s limp neck
and we lifted her together
to spill blood and guts
on the patio
i felt my insides shift
with hers
something changed
everything changed
i told you this before
you went back to sleep
sayin oh honey baby oh honey girl
what to do what to do except
hold you again

there is a nameless bliss
in these quiet moments
(except you sound like a freight train
but like, a cute freight train)
where we melt together
and i can almost feel your blood
pounding through you into me

there was a scent
when we cut her open
the freshness of her blood
distinctive and somehow sweet
i caught a buzz off it
and i can taste her
in everything i’ve eaten since
i figured it out: it’s life
and this morning when i woke you
i smelled it on your skin
and in your hair
you’re alive, dear heart
let’s keep it that way