reasons for leaving your senses

the hot wind of frustration
meets the cold front of isolation
a hurricane builds on the horizon
it calls itself by your secret name

evacuation plans torn by wind
from their sweaty hands
the small people on the shore
grip beach sand with their toes

whatever it is that keeps them
holding to a home that is already lost
bravery or idiocy or blind stunned fear
is certainly notable

lock your own door

another genius dead by suicide
to add to my lists of influences
and reasons i love you
i fell asleep quickly and alone
and woke before my alarm
anxious nausea sandwiched
between long silent days

you said you feel the most like yourself
when you are alone and i said
honey that’s everyone that’s all of us
when i am alone i am so unhappy
as if my cells themselves
are shot through with sadness
and fear and anger and apathy

yes i fight my worst self every day, do you?
i’m sorry for the times i’ve surrendered
i am strong but exhausted

you asked how do i find the line
between yes and no and i said
when the yes tries to kill me
this time the no looks like
a prison made of glass
with my worst self as cellmate
same as always, same as never

i want to be kind and soft
and strong and true
i want to be worth loving
the way i love you

any port in a storm (as long as it’s ruby)

neither of us
(none of us)
likes those poems that are plain
spoken and don’t
use a line break to say
anything and
usually i
wouldn’t write one but
desperate times
and all that

i cannot
understand why i miss you
this much and you
seem to be more than fine
with me being nothing
more than a seasoning
sprinkled over the day
when you claimed
that you loved me
because i am potent

we have been awash
in each other for months
i would be remiss
if i didn’t point out
that you created this habit
like you created so many before

you find these women and want
to create life and when
you decide not to create you
choose to destroy you
choose to snare them you
want to keep them while
you take their money and
you climb out the window and
you meet someone you knew in high school
you fuck her in the ass and
later years later
you

tip your head back to settle the powder
make a loud yip kinda noise
tell the story, again
to the regular crowd
they dutifully laugh
snort lines of bitter nonchalance
hold the spotlight steady in place
all’s fair in love and standup comedy

but you keep your hurt
twisted in the corner of your mouth
and when you fill your mouth with pain
you make it look almost like a smile

there
that wasn’t so plain spoken
i wrote a real fucking poem
now call me, you piece of shit

what i was trying to say was

creatively barren times
lead to bad decisions
i have thrown a sledgehammer
at my values system
and watched it shatter like ice
only men enter my house now
and i can’t bring myself
to love any of them

oh trust is such a hard thing
for a shackled heart
and a mind full of rusty nails
i am diving back into a lake of pages
hoping for hope and finding
it’s all variations on a theme

love and lust and lots of loss
we could chant this mantra
until the sun burns out
knowing these things full well
and still unbelieving
receiving these painful gifts
at a surprise party we threw ourselves

your heart/his heart/my heart

something told me you’d never
be this happy until you really meant it
you find something worth loving
and hold on tight enough to break it
you get to experience surprise
at its flexibility
and relax into comfortable quiet
when it doesn’t even crack

this is universally true
across the board we scratch and shake
when our love lines up
with sharp abrasive objects

so instead we shimmer together
like heat above new asphalt
sticky with its heavy scent
stranded in the backseat
radio on in the parking lot
where we escape
the eyes of our friends
and former lovers

you break into my dreamspace
with hands grappling for purchase
on mountains that will break your fall
slate will cut you, but sand is soft
we will treat you with tenderness
green leaves and sweet lips
gentle whispers
we miss you, we miss you

and i will wait for you to leave
return to harder hearts
and colder smiles
or we’ll buy some rundown shack
and drive new nails ourselves
you can choose the paint colors
i will adopt another dog
and we’ll drink whiskey on porch
and watch the sun sink
into the treeline

that
i think
is worth really meaning it

run tell blake

anyway i was listening to jets to brazil
when my sister told me
that our dad was gonna die
i couldn’t leave work
and i didn’t have a grand on hand
to buy a last-minute ticket to miami
what a horrible place to die
after an expensive air ambulance ride
might as well stay home
and let your body nourish
the land you actually love

anyway perfecting loneliness hit different
and rocket boy tore a hole in my heart
projectile weeping next to the ovens
flames evaporating my tears
i’ve got a tattoo of that moment
on my left ventricle
they’ll see it when they cut me open
at age 63 because i inherited
dad’s heart and habits
and i never take my lisinopril
but to be fair i rarely get angry

anyway dad lived to tell more tall tales
and now he’s stuck in florida again
but i guess that’s okay
he always hated it here

another poem about ye covid

in these uncertain times
i am certain that i have surrounded myself
with top-quality hearts and minds
i am staying home, bathing
in a deep pool of caring

in these trying times
i have tried to offer solace
and understanding
to the ones gnawed by
anxiety rats

as we adjust to our new normal
i realize i want nearly nothing to change