presentation/projection

she makes a point of telling me
there are things i won’t tell you
i can’t trust that you won’t
melt down and betray me

he drives me home
and i tell him i am afraid
of my own organs
he nods and says yes
my wife is like that, too

your heart is an ocean
you immerse me
i am erased
don’t you know me
don’t you love me
don’t you trust me

i can point to a mirror
and say look
this is who i am
the person standing
slightly to my left
will only see themselves

like reading a book
and skipping the best parts
i tear open my ribcage
to show you my heart
and in its place you see
a vented spleen

it’s wasting time either way

enclose yourself
in that stand of red pines
so i can demonstrate
just how high they climb
from the sand of their birth

i wear my mother’s old ring
on my smallest finger
a stone for each child
comes up five gems short
i wear my mother’s name
bound around my lips

waste time with me
let’s find an escape
from these half-mast masks
and half-assed asks
let’s make a date
to sing at the void
together

toxic waste bucket brigade

call it a rewatch of a shitty movie
that had a predictable ending the first time
an endless regifting of love
me to you to her to him
a sweet package with a bow
never meant for its final recipient
and of course he won’t want it
it’s monogrammed with your initials

call it a foolish child
whose best friend won’t come and play
she calls you on the phone
to tell you she’d rather see katie
but since you’re around
she guesses you’ll do

call it an ugly trophy
the sport is anticipating needs
and fulfilling desires
and you are the mvp
because your teammates benched
themselves in the first quarter
the academy award
for placing one’s own heart
at the bottom of one’s priorities
goes to you

call it a gluttonous monarch
at the head of a laconic feudal system
she pays him and you pay her and i pay you
the taxes are especially taxing
the closer you get to the throne
the king is dead
long live the king

t-minus

i’m glad we get another autumn
to pick a day to pick apples
but instead just buy them
and walk by the river
and take elaborate posed photos
next to some pumpkins
and laugh

we get another summer
to watch the dog swim
and eat ice cream sandwiches
and seek respite from heat
in the grocery store
during peak tejano hours
i’m gonna wear colorful dresses
we’re gonna drink tequila
and stay up too late
on damp sheets
twisting our dreams
into one complex whole

another winter where you bring me
hot coffee in the mornings
and we shiver together
and find that cabin fever
is only one symptom
of that seasonal stuff
we buy each other presents
and avoid doing laundry
and bundle up so much
i can’t feel your touch
through my thick sweaters

when i say i fear you leaving
i mean this is what i’ll miss
my heart is tethered to you
my hand will reach for yours

closure

undefined

if nothing else i have to give thanks
because i came out of this
with an awareness of my greatness
with the knowledge that love is real
(and i have found it)
with a reconnection to my soul
and my soulmate
and the best damn partner
i’ve ever had

i have to give thanks
for learning which drugs i like
i found uncrossable lines
within myself and knew
my stupidity won’t kill me
even at its worst

i am giving thanks for the hearts
that have become closer to mine
and for the renewed sense of beauty
when i see tall trees and blue water
thanks for simplicity, thanks for
the knowledge that i don’t have to try
so fucking hard to exist

they were so alike

if you asked me why
my eyes are red and full
i’d say, i slept in my makeup
which is true but leaves out
the end of that sentence:
and i dreamed he came back
he was the same as before
i slapped him over and over
hands stinging with glass splinters
and when i tried to leave
i had to squeeze past a power line
fallen just overhead
i told my father, that’s dangerous
could we please do something
to make sure nobody gets hurt
just move the stairs, he said

resume update

it’s nice to be a person
on this cool morning green and gold
we have to take our days
of conflict resolution
and high executive function
and good hair
and hold them close
to remind us of what we’re capable

you hired me because
i anticipate the needs of the client
and apply proactive, creative
problem-solving techniques
i specialize in seamless
management of transition
and crisis prevention

you also hired me because
i’m cute as hell
and i blushed when you said
you’d never stop chasing me

if you’re going to force me
to create busywork
i will find something
you don’t like

lachrymosal enthusiast

conventional wisdom says
no matter how much you cry
tears won’t wash away
the sweetness of a good kiss
i’m an emotional connoiseur
and crying beats kissing
most days of the week
still: there were things
i loved that haunt me

last night a dark form
climbed into my dreams
and held me in place
while i screamed for help
i woke up shaken and
wondering if it was you
changed from tender
to cruel and restrictive

conventional wisdom says
missing you is understandable
i take apart what made me
happiest and try to find ways
to keep the trees and freedom
and confidence and softness
divorced of you, placed in me
conventional wisdom says
this is good this is right

i was afraid i suppose that
happiness only exists when
gifted from a generous soul
but i suppose you weren’t
really all that generous
and after all i can be so very
very generous to myself

generous enough to let myself
cry whenever i want to
without worrying if my feelings
will bother you or anyone
generous enough to laugh
generous enough to sing
generous enough to love

reverse dutch boy

the river of my desire
once seemed to flood & drown
every good thing i had
so i built a strong dam
& let myself take small sips
from the lake that grew
year by year

he took a sledgehammer
& relentlessly swung &
hacked giant holes
through concrete & rebar
stood firm in the rush
laughing as it soaked him
he said, there. you’re free.
& then he left

i could be angry at the absence
or i could thank him
for his strong tools
& his steady arms
but mostly
it just hurts to want again
i have no idea what to do
with all of this water

kissing/tripping

lovely one in the dark
with the rainbow shivers
glowing electric ley lines
from fresh peach
to violent violet
under your hands
between your teeth

gasping offstage
for once this is no performance
but a prayer
sacred unafraid offered
to the power that brought us here

the softness the softness
strikes like a lightning match
crying crying into your open mouth
begging pleading
to taste you angelic holy divine

there is a song inside
that my voice cannot shape
i will sing it with my hands
you will hear it in my breath

i will be better to you