the secret languages have no textbook

for Mike Doughty

have you learned by now
that the twists and grooves
of a certain mindshape
slip gently into abstract curls
of language, of melody
of voice

when they elaborate at length
you saved my life in 2007
so graceless, your grace
you must know
the liquid tangles of wiring
pore over your metaphor
to find an opening

the shock of recognition
tines connecting
to twinned plastic orifices
this electricity bends to addiction
addiction to displacement
they find their home
on a map you drew

sound the alarm at planted flags
of course your inner self
is your most valuable possession
these blackeyed slackjawed grins
beg to claim as their own
clamoring for a slice of soul
as if they’d take your skin
if they just had a knife

there was a time when i fell
and fell into the kind of dark
where a good old na na na
splits the life/death difference
but our hearts grow and learn
forgive me
you knew not what you said

here — a shoebox taped shut firm
and wildly addressed to the void
contents: all the pieces
i once tried to take
returned, with my regrets
i have no claim to stake

nocturne: defensive maneuvers

they have us
in a thin-walled shack
with tiny guns
& not enough bullets

eirann is excited to see some action
the troops on bicycles
call me dangerous
they want to make an example

there’s a wounded bird
crying like a human child
i hold it gently
telling it about the divine feminine
& teaching it the ave maria
a sort of shushed lullaby

the ones who have never been to war
run toward it the fastest
i cannot figure out the controls
on all these strange machines

international award for excellence in correspondence

let’s face the fact
that today’s poetry
is fucking bullshit
& i’ll never Make It

pro tip:
when you submit
don’t pay the $50
for feedback

the novel format
is not working out
my voice is
simple

baby all i want
is to be remembered
as a wonderful
writer of letters

fuck the novel
fuck the poems
fuck being a playwright
give me stamps

absent muse blues

earlier this year
i was closer to death
than i’d ever been
aware of being
and the calm descended
because isn’t that what i came for
why else do you fly out
to stay with drunk strangers
who love guns
but the moment passed
and the adrenaline faded
into seven hours
on the side of a highway
with two cigarettes
and nothing to eat

i could say i am personally glad
but it probably would have been
painless
and easier for the ones around me
than most deaths
hell
half of them were bracing for it
what do you expect to happen
in the aforementioned
drunk/strangers/guns situation

still here we are wasting away
staring at our dirty nails
in faux silence
with not so much as a goodbye
standing between us
there is something
i want to say but cannot
there are so many things

instead:
the breadcrumbs we leave
in these digital parks
are crucial somehow
i knew he was gone
because i could see
which songs he was listening to
late at night pretending to be asleep

i’m telling you something
i’m telling you: i know
because the spine of this electric book
is creased, by you, i assume
and falls open to the pages
you apparently return to
again and again

because who else would think
to read that chapter more than once
because why else would this story
rank higher than the rest
you are not my best work
but o faithful
you return

or maybe i am presuming
or maybe it is the past
i guess i’ll know for sure
if the metrics change
but if you get this letter, tell me
does it come on at night
do you remember the path you took
and did the words come back to you
because i asked them to
as they did for me
from your silent memory

the eternal living room

if i ever meet god
i want to ask it
why people seem to hurt me
when i’ve been actively straining
toward kindness
and why i was born
with such a sense
of the importance of everyone else
if this messiah complex
has any sort of purpose
and why one little slight
sends me sailing off
on a rough sick sea
of self hatred
and will i ever get over this

and god would be like
damn bitch
those are some pretty uh
self involved questions

oh, uh
doesn’t everyone want to know
this sort of personal insight stuff
i figured that’d be pretty common

nah, says god
most people ask me about
like idk black holes
and deja vu and shit
or who killed kennedy
i get that one a lot
oh and aliens
everyone always asks
about the fucking aliens
i notice you didn’t
i guess that’s kinda refreshing

yeah, sorry, i
was kind of in a mood
the night i came up with
all these questions
maybe i should have revised them

god mutes the tv
look, it says, you know the answers
to every question you just asked me
you just don’t like the answers
and you wanted someone
you could whine to
deal with your shit
get a therapist
this isn’t fucking cosmic

i feel pretty ashamed
but obviously i don’t want god to see
but it’s god
so it totally does
i just kinda shift around
and finally say
ok so tell me about the aliens

oh so now you care about
the me-damn aliens, huh
you’ll find out about them
soon enough
now go call that therapist
i’m trying to watch breaking bad

there’s no I in team

they get into their car
and drive to a beach
they have a good day
swimming and laughing
they eat their potato chips
and drink cold beer
from a cooler they brought
their skin browning
until sunset kisses them
and tells them it’s time
to go home and rest
they climb into bed, sleep
and when they wake
they speak of their dreams
complex and lovely
with their breakfast

she gets into her car
and drives to a beach
she has a good day
swimming and laughing
she eats her potato chips
and drinks cold beer
from a cooler she brought
her skin browning
until sunset kisses her
and tells her it’s time
to go home and rest
she climbs into bed, sleeps
and when she wakes
she speaks of her dreams
complex and lovely
with her breakfast

predawn shakes, broad & leo

good morning
at the tone
the time will be
five forty-four
and twenty-five seconds

sometimes love is
waking up
when you could sleep in
so your lover doesn’t
have to be alone
sometimes, love
it’s hard to do
the things we need to do

people tend to conflate
bravery and fearlessness
as if courage has meaning
without fear to drive it forward
as if the bravest among us
aren’t defined by fear
and their relationship with it

a more forthcoming person
would in this circumstance
tell you how scared they are
a less frightened person
would in this circumstance
say go, anything you need
a more secure person
might in this circumstance
kiss you goodbye
knowing what comes next
and agreeing that it is indeed
perhaps not The right thing
but A right thing

quote the motherfucker
it ain’t me babe
apologies
for me oh my oh
my selfishness
obscurity and insecurity
know no bounds
to the point:
all i could say clearly
would be
don’t go
stay

i suppose occasionally
courage takes the form
of holding one’s tongue
and asking no questions
before the sun’s risen

and don’t get me wrong
even in all of this
i am proud of you
your bravery made manifest
in an open heart