windower

there’s so much blood here
we’ll never get the stain out
empty for your uncarved image
straightening under
twin waterfalls

i’m on a road paved with dead shoes
& glittering insect shells
can’t feel pain
without a body to burn
and the sheets never held so much heat
you can’t fake this shit, not now

over black coffee, over noise rock
take the map but leave the treasure
grating like an eardrum
wretched like a nail

those tear-me-down eyes
say watch your back babe
say your chest is empty
say i love you still

it isn’t how it sounds

i am weary of this dance with my thoughts
protecting them from intruders
a red-winged blackbird screaming
from her nest
& begging disinterest to lift
& fade like a fog

i am free but
the words on my page
are belongings
demanded and coveted
against my desires
and of my desires &
desires against desires

i am weary of taking messages
amanuensis to your muse
hello the doctor is in
your pills are in the mail
the check may be delayed
by several weeks
or years

burning rage
would feel cooler
than this hot desperation
blow the wind, then:
this isn’t
how it sounds

special thanks

thanks for getting me those american spirit coupons since my id is expired
thanks for singing phillip collins at my request
thanks for not holding a grudge about all that fucking production drama
thanks for showing up smelling like cucumbers
thanks for buying me wine since my id is expired
thanks for accepting my ramen-noodle peace offering
thanks for not trying to talk to me
thanks for saying i look great in red lipstick
thanks for driving my drunk ass home
thanks for being weirdly close.

i’d leave if the rotation was just a little longer

yeah ok
if yall are gonna be
on yr phones then
i dont feel so bad
about my drunk scribbles
fuck it all my boys unhappy
& my reluctant crush has
v o m i t b r e a t h
its 1117 & im drunk &
i wanna be trashed
& im so tired of this
DISappearing act
jesus why is everything chaos
im ready to fold on gr
just as im setting down
roots. do you
love me yet?

you’re a ben kweller blizzard

it’s been lonelier than usual at work
i keep calling long distance
like it’ll make a difference
this time

hi hello again am i
bothering you
your tone changed
somewhere recently

maybe you’re the wrong bank
for this deposit

this is all so counterproductive
like a nailbiting habit
born from hygiene anxiety

backskip & blot lipstick
maybe this part won’t
always feel so fraught

hi hello again i’ve been
screened
i am wasted
but i’m ready

loosey-goosey

i meant to tell you a story once
it may be stale now
but it’s three people
in a smoky apartment
running lines, changing words
embellishing & polishing
the confidence in camaraderie
day after day i felt stronger &
more alive & ready to stretch.

goddamn it was beautiful. us
kids cooking a meal together

you did this
it’s our story now
all of it
and i still feel like i’m doing right
putting down words
embellishing, polishing
running, changing

maybe i haven’t said enough thanks
but you got both of my feet
through the door

[ ]

i wrote some notes
before
i opened the floor
for questions
& here we are now
i’ll remind you
that you asked.

i’m burned out on sexy people
& sexy parties
how does it feel
being you
see i guess you’ve gathered
i’m intense —
that’s why i like camping

yeah no yeah how
do you get it all quiet
how do you convince yourself
to breathe?
like this:
[ ]

but honestly
that hasn’t been the ticket
i’m fucked up on books
& skin
& it’s easier loving people
from a distance
you spend less money, right?
and i don’t have panic attacks
about clothing removal

is it sensitivity
or sensibility?
there aren’t many songs
with this melody, but
we try, we try
that’s why we should all sing.

so yeah. good morning.
did you have your coffee?
is it nice out today?
that’s good. i’m just
so fucking tired.

bite me you fucking lush

two left out on the edge of nothing
and here i was trying to be good
if it ain’t wrong then it don’t feel right
and i’ve cut it off before. yeah i broke it off before.
i need designer vacations and drugs with a kick
you can’t kiss me on these filthy sheets
i want to get away. i want the repartee.
i want a copper bullet stuck between my teeth

two months ahead of desperation
yet all these deadlines slide & twist
if it don’t hurt, i can’t afford it
& i’ve had it on my lips. yeah i had it on my tongue.
these days i prefer sleeping in; touch me in dreams
there still more solid than these blisters
without a microphone i really am alone
you should really see the way my atom splits.

if trust was the priority i’d only trust the birds
but my muscles are craving a laugh or a knife
constellation cabernet lock & bottled stars
there’s no space for metalcraft
it’s not safe for beating hearts
i’ll take & wrap you whole in paper
you’re tight & huge inside my skin
the golden apple fell. you got your wishing well.
but you won’t drop the penny in.