cassavetes pt ii

a suicidal instinct can manifest
in one’s choice of partner
we push each other out of line
and hope to make chalk lines
out of these piles of snow

when he says: let’s drink and drive
i spring for the 12% abv
when the road twists ahead
my laugh echoes off the shale walls
i know which songs to play
to make him push the pedal harder

in the living room it’s drugs and guns
in the bedroom it’s hands around throat
in the bone room housing my thoughts
it’s a prayer for ultimate release
from loss
from need

i tried to be good with you
and bad with him
but you were a rock
and i wanted a blade

like i said
these girls they love a bad boy
these girls they crave and beg the lie
you got this starring role, kid
your death scene will sweep the Oscars
we all love the ones
who let us see them bleed
we love the loss
we hate the need

when the waves crash
when the hurricane comes
god it hurts so bad
to cling to a boulder
beaten by the surf
with little hope of rescue

i looked at you and saw a certain
hope i hope to hope for me
i looked at him and saw
the same loss
the same need
perhaps you can’t believe

but i always held you dearer
still: one can smash a mirror
make a blade to make it clearer

the sharp turns up on the mountain
felt like a kind of salvation
show me grace
if i ever try to fly like this again