another genius dead by suicide
to add to my lists of influences
and reasons i love you
i fell asleep quickly and alone
and woke before my alarm
anxious nausea sandwiched
between long silent days
you said you feel the most like yourself
when you are alone and i said
honey that’s everyone that’s all of us
when i am alone i am so unhappy
as if my cells themselves
are shot through with sadness
and fear and anger and apathy
yes i fight my worst self every day, do you?
i’m sorry for the times i’ve surrendered
i am strong but exhausted
you asked how do i find the line
between yes and no and i said
when the yes tries to kill me
this time the no looks like
a prison made of glass
with my worst self as cellmate
same as always, same as never
i want to be kind and soft
and strong and true
i want to be worth loving
the way i love you
mattress dungeon 