so then i had this conversation and was like
maybe i’d feel better if i looked a little better
like if you’re already dressed in baggy jeans and
a shirt with holes in it then it’s basically a nonissue
if your hair looks a little greasy
and you’ve got baggage under your eyes
but the real baggage here is, okay, here it is
marmee in my head saying “i don’t want you to feel
like your purpose is merely decorative” and i remember
hating my face without makeup when i wore it every day
i remember how much money i spent to look good
i remember how much time i spent with mirrors and brushes
i remember that i wouldn’t let myself cry
for fear of looking like a mascara smeared hot fuckin mess
and i resent that people think women look like shit
if they don’t spend an hour painting their faces
and i hate the idea that my painted face is another silent voice
reinforcing that bullshit standard for everyone around me
i don’t want teenage girls to see me wearing concealer
and think that’s just what skin looks like
and go home and have their parents put them on accutane
and i really fucking hate the idea that random dudes
are gonna think what they’re gonna think because honestly
i probably don’t need to go into detail about it, but
ew. gross. stop.
see when women say “i wear it for meeeee” it’s like
do you actually, have you actually thought about why you enjoy it
is it fun for you? what does it express? do people treat you better?
when your boyfriend says you’re sexy you either way do you believe him
or do you secretly stress out thinking he’s thinking about the girl
across the room who got her eyeliner perfect today?
(my nigel is of course perfect but i still stress)
do you think about these things while you’re applying powder?
i do, all the time
and there’s another side where i want to be admired
for my mind and would rather use the 20-40 minutes to read a book
because going out barefaced for a year, i quickly learned
how many people talk to you because you look cute
and have no motivation to look deeper
skipping makeup and Good Clothes tends to thin the herd
but, and this is really the point i’m driving at
nobody knows better than me how important it is
to challenge your beliefs as directly as possible and say
hey beliefs, fuck you, you’re kinda crushing me
yeah i’ve got all kinds of issues with feminity and sexuality
birthed by how the church treats women and now intensified
by the feminist theory with which i agree in theory
and i would love to formally apologize to my dear friends
andrea dworkin and valerie solanas because as i may have mentioned
i’m in this phase where i’ve decided to say fuck expectations
and go with my gut for once and want things and do those things
i don’t believe the bullshit that Anything A Feminist Does Is A Feminist Act
like if a feminist started just randomly slitting throats
that’s not feminism my dudes
but the funny thing is every time i give the ol middle finger
to what people expect of me i end up
exceeding my own expectations
so hell yeah i’m wearing the reddest lipstick i’ve ever owned
because now i have to confront my own face in the mirror
and because it is an aspect of my life that i can control
(let’s not get into control issues, whole other can of worms)
and in confronting this i realized something
i fucking love how red lipstick makes my mouth a focal point
so that when i’m speaking, people watch my lips move
the better to get my point across
mattress dungeon 