well because see i have this thing with wanting
i wasn’t allowed to want things when i was a kid
the heart is deceitful above all things
and desperately wicked
who can know it
hot damn sometimes
the bible contains really great poetry
i was always a psalms girl myself
yeah that and ezekiel
yearning for deliverance from yearning
like i’ll have moments where i know i should be alone
and silent and rest and read books
and i’ll say yes anyway and push back pain
and fatigue and irritation
and go out with people and drink
and i’ll do this for weeks and weeks and
and one day i find myself hating everyone
and wanting to run away
yeah okay you get it. and it’s like that
with love too like i’ll be in denial about a
fucking crush for days weeks months
until what the fuck that’s not a crush
that’s an obsession my good bitch
oh and the capacity for obsession, god
that’s a whole nother story
i’ve got too much free
time to obsess obsess obsess
and not enough to express
how it feels from the inside
of course i keep trying
nature of the beast i guess
at this point i’ve grown
used to the embarrassment
like bad hiccups in public
so yeah you guessed it
i’ve been drinking because drinking
(somehow) is an ok thing
to want
every single day round these parts
i’m starting to think i’ll never feel free
in a city with so many bars
supporting the brunch-industrial complex
it’s also ok as a method of self-punishment
i’ll get blitzed enough that i don’t have to finish my
mattress dungeon 